sciencelizard | « [IC Inbox- Hadriel]

[She wears at her lip a bit, not meaning to have brought her into it. Stupid. He's bearing his SOUL for you, sit back and listen.

So she does. She listens, tries not to look so worked up over it all. That was... revenge, blind revenge. It happens, she thinks. She's trying not to blame him for it.]

I mean, it was... t-they killed people close to you. It wasn't... unprompted.

[It's a feeble sort of response to a much, much bigger problem.]

Uh... h-here. Come on.

[She detaches from him a bit more, takes his hand, leading him through the dimly lit lab to her work desk, where hers-- and Marian's currently unoccupied- chairs sit, gesturing him towards the other while she settles into hers. She thinks, for a moment, and then scoots close enough that he can take her hands, should he want to.]

Is this better?

Mm...this is better, yes. Very much so.

[Mettaton takes a seat, and after a few momenets of hesitation, he does take one of her hands. It's amazing really. The sensation is both familiar and not. Hard to consider it familiar when you haven't seen your friend for at least half a year.

Sometimes, he feels bad...thinking that he'd had so much time to bond with Asriel throughout this, and that he was leaving Alphys out. But...that wasn't really it.

She just hadn't been there, and Mettaton was terrified of being alone, just as much as he was distressed at being a nameless face in the ever-shifting crowd. He had no audience anymore.

He didn't deserve one. Hell...he couldn't believe Alphys had tried to rationalize what he'd done prior.

She...wouldn't be able to do it this time. He was sure of it.]

So, ah. The rest. I should tell you.

...When I finally became resettled in my body, I didn't have much time to think before something went horribly wrong with the ship we were on. It transported a great many of us to a hostile environment, and I spent half a month...half a month enslaved.

[The word is forced out with much effort. The hand that wasn't gripping Alphys' raises to touch his neck. It's not there. He's talking about it but that doesn't make it his reality.

It's not there. That is important. But he just had to feel.]

I'm ashamed to say that I was easy pickings in my state. It would have been all too simple to incapacitate a battle-worn old robot like me.

[Suddenly...all the scrapes and dings, cracks and holes? They start to make sense.]

So they collared me, chained me, repaired me, displayed me, and then sold me.

To a man who made his lot in murdersport.

[He glances sideways at her, and the vulnerability in his expression is pathetic.]

Half a month, Alphys. Of course, I didn't want to do it, but the collar? It overrode my systems. I had to do it. Half a month. I can't even remember how many people I fought in half a month...but I won.

[He killed.]

I won every time. Hah...haha...

[Mettaton laughs, but the sound is punctuated by a jerking sob. Weak. Weak, it's what he is. He couldn't stop it, and he can't stop his anguish now. He just can't stop anything from happening, can he?]

[She listens, and realizes she can't hold on to any one statement without it hitting her too hard-- stolen. Taken. Forced. This isn't-- this isn't his fault, but it happened, and the consequences are unshakeable for their lot. For the way monsters take damage to their SOULs.

She sits, and thinks, and tries to rationalize, and comes up a number of different ways. But it still... it's him, but not.

She knows what it means to suffer the consequences.

Alphys puts her other hand over his, and gently squeezes.]

You... you w-were taken. And forced. It wasn't your fault.

[It's that simple, isn't it? It wasn't.]

You already said, it... it o-overrode you. You didn't want to.

[Intent is worth everything to a monster.]

I'm sorry I wasn't there. That I couldn't help you, and... and stop this, and...

You're still important to me, Metta. M-My best friend. I don't... want to lose you again, to anything. Especially not to this.

You're safe here, o-okay? I can't fight, and, I'm not strong, but... I won't let that happen, again. I promise.

[A promise she shouldn't be making, because she knows she can't keep.

But intent is worth everything to a monster, right?]

[Mettaton's fingers curl under hers, balling into a loose fist as if he's unworthy of such a familiar and comforting touch. He is, isn't he? He doesn't deserve Alphys' sympathy or her kind words telling him that it's okay, it's okay that he's not the same anymore. Now she knows.

And now he feels so disconnected from everything around him that he may as well be a little ghost in Waterfall that had nothing but a dream and a reluctant career. Someone who wanted to be somebody, but needed to be something before they could become someone.

Is he the kind of person he wants to be anymore? Is he...even here to know it? Or is this just some pipe dream?]

I'm easy to override like this, aren't I? By choosing to be "Mettaton," I'm choosing to be a murderer who can be written over and made to follow directives etched into my very being. Are you sure that you want to call me your friend?

[Her best friend, she even said that. Best friend...

Sure, he'd long felt the same way, but to have her articulate it made it feel a little bit more real than if he just thought it to himself.

Mettaton glances down at Alphys, his expression so tired and so forlorn that it's a miracle he could even pass as himself anymore.]

Are you sure that you want to designate time in your life to a murderer like me?

[It would be easy for her to think this is something different- that he is something different than the ghost she met back in Waterfall. How experience shapes them, how it finds them in the nooks and crannies of the universe, how it brings them together-- and apart-- and together again.

They share a bond she doesn't want to sever. Something she can't give up on.]

You're choosing to b-be yourself. To... to be here, with me, asking for forgiveness. People make... mistakes, Metta. They make choices and, and mess up, and... you get to prove to be a good person, over and over again. You make a lot of choices. Everybody d-does.

[She sucks in a breath, and looks at him, right in the eyes.]

You're still choosing to p-protect people. To care. And that proves you're trying to be better, and... I'm not perfect, either. I've hurt, and done t-terrible things, and...

We make the choices that lead us back. We decide who we are, and you're... trying, to be okay. So of course. Of c-course I do.

[The way she puts it, Mettaton actually feels a swell of something he'd quite forgotten in his own self-pity and hatred.

Pride for something he'd done. Because he is proud of the fact that he's protected others up to this point, and he'd never regret saving Napstablook from dying a painful human death. Maybe...it's better that he'd told Alphys, because as much as he wanted to keep it a secret forever...being told that he could be imperfect, and that as long as he tried, it mattered?

Something about those words almost made him want to cry.

Mettaton finally breaks down at that point, though it's not the most obvious and overly emotional expression of emotion. He's long since lost the energy for such at this point...]

Alphys...I would not wish to be anywhere else but here with you. I could spend the rest of my life telling you how deeply I missed you, and it still wouldn't be enough.

You...are such an excellent person to me, and I'm...I'm fortunate...because you gave me so much of your time and effort...

[He draws her close again, into a desperate hug. He wants to hold her, to know she's real and here and that he can stop hiding for one damned moment of his sad little life.]

I would never have been the real me without you.

[She lets him pull her in, presses herself into his arms as much as she can, her SOUL thrumming close to his.

She missed him. She missed him so much. In whatever experiences he's had, in whatever form he takes.]

You don't n-need to miss me anymore. I'm here, and... I won't go. You don't have to, either.

[She... doesn't want to tell him about her problems, here and now. Doesn't want to tell him that despite what he remembers, there's no going home for her. When he goes back, he'll be on the surface, happy and whole, with a version of her that did not make those fatal errors. With a human who was just a little bit more kind.

But that's not her world. And it shouldn't be his. So she keeps her mouth shut.]

You've always been the most important person to me. And I want to be b-better to you, than I was. Okay?

[This closeness, this proximity that he felt they'd never truly had--or perhaps, he'd just taken it so much for granted--is like a balm on every invisible sore that Mettaton carries with him. All of the things he's experienced are damn near tolerable with Alphys here.

God, he could never thank her enough.]

Thank you...thank you so much, sweetheart....

[He wants to assure her that she could never be better to him than she's being right now, and than she's ever been. It's really a pity that she won't tell him what's on her mind, because even that he could assuage her in.

He's seen enough Alphyses to know that he loves them all dearly. Every single one.

Which is why he holds onto her, and this moment, for just a little longer than he should, silently taking in all the good which he hasn't allowed himself, and for a moment, the heaviness that had settled in his SOUL lifts, just a bit. And he can breathe...]

[Alphys smiles, just a little, into the embrace, even though she knows he can't see it.]

Of course. I've... I've g-got you. You don't have to be alone because, uhm, I'm here. I promise.

[She's going to try to keep to this one. No more fooling around, no more favors against dangerous humans. She'll keep him safe, now. She'll find a way.]

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all of my tags come with lateness disclaimers it seems

it's Okay i will backtag u forever

every time lmao. it is me.

ur doin ur best fam