sciencelizard | « [IC Inbox- Hadriel]

[It's not really something definable, when it comes down to it. A monster and a human sharing that kind of solidarity- is it even possible? Part of them doesn't believe it is. Part of them is a kid on a couch with another kid, quietly talking over just why it is, that monsters would never climb up mountains. Why they can't understand it.

If they really thought about it, though, do they really think Alphys wouldn't? When she's asking them questions that they ask themself every single day.

They don't know why everyone doesn't hate them. They did all these terrible things.

Which is why it's so easy to look back at her, expression calm as they reflect her last question right back.]

Why are you?

[Why...come to a library, to sit down with a kid you know would kill, rather than be killed?

Why do that?]

[She finally looks at them, really looks at them as they speak, and she feels like she knows what answer they're pushing her towards. Because the obvious answer would be 'because you wanted me to', or 'because you asked'. But that's not what they want, is it?]

... I wanted to be friends w-with you. Despite everything, I suppose.

[Despite either of their mistakes in the past and otherwise.]

I'm sorry f-for anything my double said to you. Or did. I'd... like to be better, t-than that. I don't know if I can, but I'd like to be.

Me too.

[Because- well. They aren't really worth being friends with, they think. Not for Sans. Not for Asriel. Not for Alphys, either. Despite everything, except everything, in this case, is the knowledge that Frisk had destroyed people that she loved.]

You are. I didn't like what she said...but you wouldn't do that stuff.

[Even if she did to other people.

Their fingers pluck at the carpet, slowly building a small pile of lint.]

...If you go back, you wouldn't experiment on the other SOULs anymore, right?

[Well that's the uncomfortable thing, isn't it? The million dollar question. But would you do it again?]

No. I mean, I c-can't, I don't even have them anymore, they're, back with Asgore, but...

[She couldn't anyway. Even if she wanted to change. There is no home anymore.]

I'm... not going home. I can't, anymore.

[She's gone. No one will even ever find her dust, washed away by the water, SOUL swept out to sea.]

I'm sorry, I... I'm sorry she said all that stuff. I'm sorry I didn't just, s-say something to you, or, fess up before... before the gods made me. I shouldn't have lied.

[The question probably isn't fair. Definitely isn't fair, coming from them. Except they remember what her shadow said, and they remember the sound of it; the dismissal behind every mention of those SOULs.

They're still alive, you know. They still have feelings.

Some confessions won't help anyone.]

It's okay.

[They don't- it's not their place to forgive her, for this. Not this. It's the other SOULs, and the monsters she lied to. Not a child who never knew in the first place, never even guessed that something like that had occurred.]

...If we can't go home, then we can do a little better here.

That's not so bad.

[Everything's just... okay, to them. Everything's just fine. Why doesn't it bother them more? Why don't they hate her?]

... It's okay if it's n-not okay.

It doesn't... you don't have to forgive me, if, if w-what I can do scared you, or... I don't know. I don't want it to be okay if it's not.

You can h-hate me. It's okay.

[It's okay.

It's okay.]

...I've done worse.

[Did she forget?

They didn't. They never will.]

And you don't hate me...I think. Um, it would be okay if you did, but-

I don't think you do. Even if it's scary.

[If they're scary. Their smile- is a little thin. But it's genuine. They aren't leaning away, or looking away. No reservation in what they say next.]

Just because you can do something scary doesn't mean you are.

[She doesn't. She doesn't think she ever could.]

... I did, uhm, really want to be friends with you. When y-you came. I was a little scared, since I'd never met a human before, but you were... exciting. A-And brave, and... I wanted to be those things, too. I thought maybe you had shown up to give me, s-some sort of purpose.

[And maybe it didn't work out like she hoped.]

[Exciting? Brave?

...They guess that's just what monsters do. See the best in people. Even things that don't exist.]

I'm not. Exciting. Or brave.

Everything's still scary. Even after- After people told me why, it was still scary.

[Nobody wants to die, Alphys.]

I mean... bravery is supposed to be about, uhm, b-being scared but doing it anyway, right? I got scared and... stopped doing everything.

[Monsters see the best in everyone... except in Alphys' case, maybe herself.]

If I got dropped outside the barrier, alone, I... I'd never have survived.

Maybe you just didn't see when I stopped.

[Definitely didn't see. Wouldn't remember. Never will. They're not going to set her straight on all the things they've really done; she already knows enough.

Frisk doesn't think she'd be nearly as happy about being friends with them if she knew how much they'd really done.]

...I had a lot of help. Still. Could've done a little better.

[She considers it, quietly. But desperation is a hell of a driving force, when one can't handle being alone.]

Maybe, uhm... m-maybe we all could.

[We could do a little better.]

I'm gonna try.

[That's the spirit. Another small smile pulls at their lips, Frisk nodding their agreement. Trying? Sometimes that's all you can do.

It never seems to work out. But perhaps they just haven't tried enough, yet.]

Me too.

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