sciencelizard | « [IC Inbox- Hadriel]

[She immediately puts aside her work at the next messages. It can wait. For him, anything can wait.]

of course i
--ou want me to come over th--

ugh stupid connecti--0-0----

[About a minute later, another text.]

do you want me to come to you
or you come here
what side of the city are you on

i'm at the clinic.

can I come to you?

[He really doesn't want to be around people while he talks to her.]

yeah
im in the lab
its kinda barricaded jsyk

i trust you'll let me in somehow, or i'll let myself in. if that's okay.

[That's all Mettaton answers with, but it's not too terribly long before he makes his way to the lab where he knows Alphys is. If the outside is barricaded, then he'll be taking it down, piece by piece. Quietly.

If Alphys was barricaded from her side, well. He'd just wait patiently.

He wishes he had that kind of patience all the time.]

Edited 2017-04-21 05:59 (UTC)

[She waits for a few minutes before realizing she needs to clear a path, so she heads to the door and takes down the reinforcements for entry. Sans has been the only one really coming and going, so there's no defined exit, but... there's going to have to be one, eventually, so she pries some boards off and peeks her head out intermittently until she sees him and waves him over.]

Here, uh, I t-took the boards off. Come in.

[Mettaton smiles halfheartedly when he's waved in. Alphys would probably notice that his gloves were tattered and stained red. He hasn't had any means to wash them, really, although he did clean up whatever blood--the varrens' blood or Napstablook's--had stained his metal body.

It makes him feel much less guilty for reaching out and hugging Alphys almost immediately after entering the lab. Usually he's a lot more forthcoming about initiating contact immediately, but this time he just wants a hug.]

[Her eyes flick to him, over his body to try and pinpoint what's wrong, but in moments he's got her in his arms and she reflexively hugs back, gently running a hand on his back as she tries to figure out exactly what went wrong.]

M-Metta, are you okay-- I mean, nothing's super okay right now, but, uhm, what... what happened? Are you hurt?

I'm...not hurt, no. But...

[He hesitates. If anyone would understand...it would be Alphys. She's the only other one who knows.]

Blooky got hurt because of me. Alphys...there was so much blood...they shouldn't bleed, they shouldn't even be human.

[She grips him a little tighter when he speaks- she wishes she could reach up and pet his hair a bit, but even like this, her arms are too short. So she rests her hands as big as they can get, flat on his back plating, trying to relax him as much as her presence can.]

I'm sorry, I-I'm so sorry, I'm sure they'll be okay... sometimes, uhm, Hadriel does this, I think, or maybe the Gods were worried they couldn't heal them properly if t-they were a ghost or something...

They wouldn't need to heal if they were a ghost, they'd still be incorporeal...the Gods made a mistake.

[He shakes his head after saying that, though.]

But...the mistake wasn't making Blooky corporeal. It was bringing me here. Were I not here, then they wouldn't have followed me...and they wouldn't have gotten hurt just because I was looking for trouble.

[Mettaton knows he's skating dangerously close to telling Alphys what's really going on, and that as his friend, she deserves to know. but at the same time, wouldn't it be better that she didn't?

For...for her? Or for him?]

Wh... M-Mettaton, no.

[She pulls back a bit, looking up so she can see his face.]

You didn't do that, it-- this isn't your f-fault. Everyone's in danger. You being there probably, uhm, saved them.You didn't summon the monsters, or mean for them to get hurt.

[Something's wrong, and she can tell it. Mettaton isn't usually this free with those words, like calling himself a mistake. Or looking for trouble.

She wants to ask what happened before he was here. The question stays burning on her tongue. But she bites it down.]

Them being there saved me Alphys. The creature attacked them instead of me, because what good am I to eat? Hah...

[He laughs, a mirthless chuckle that he has a hard time ending. Why is he laughing? Why? It's not funny...it's not.

He can't even wipe the smile off his face when he finally speaks, though that, at least, is the most painful expression he could wear. It's so incredibly false. Heavy. Sad.]

Alphys, look. I appreciate you...saying it isn't my fault. But it is. It truly is. If I wasn't trying to kill the bad things out there for sport, then Blooky wouldn't have gotten hurt. Do you understand what I am saying?

I was killing those things for sport.

[Maybe looking at him was a mistake, because there's no way he can miss the initial look of shock.

Admittedly, it melts quickly, into concern. A little bit of panic, but concern. She's not a confrontation type person- she'd rather let things go, accept what she's told, work around it.

But this is... she can't *CHECK him. Not without giving him a chance to explain. She can't.]

Metta, I... w-what happened? You don't have to... t-tell me everything, if you can, but I... please.

[It's quiet, too quiet for the calamity outside, for the backup generator's whirring, for the sparks and splits of exposed wire back on her desk. She feels like she's suffocating under the weight of it.]

Mettaton. What happened to you, before you came here?

[Shock. Of course she's shocked, how couldn't she be? Mettaton was many things, but a wanton, heartless serial murderer was not one of them. Even with Frisk, selfish as it was, there had been a reason.

It's been such a long time since he's had a good reason to hurt others...]

I don't...think you'd want to know.

[He says it so lamely, he can barely believe it's himself speaking those words. Never mind what Alphys must think. This isn't her friend. He's not her friend. He's not the Mettaton she knows. That thought...it's all it takes to make him start losing contact. The silent questions wash over him.

Who are you? Why are you here? Are you real? Is she your Alphys?

Alphys...that's right, she's here. Even if she's not the Alphys he remembers, he can still hold onto her for just a little while longer and maybe it'll steel him for what he's about to tell her. He has to. Because if he keeps holding it in, then it's only going to get worse. It's been getting worse since before he even arrived in Hadriel to begin with.

But what was most important was that she asked. She cared to ask. He had to tell her.]

A great deal has happened...I'd ask you what you want to know, of course, but if we play that game, we'll end up nowhere, I'm sure. Not because of you--but because of me.

...I suppose perhaps I should start with why I would ever kill like that, huh? Simple enough. I told you about space, right? The ship I was on, the Moira. I don't like talking about the Moira because that is where I first died.

[He pauses, because he's still not certain if he should talk about this. What if he loses Alphys over this...?

Mettaton glances down at her. She could easily judge him, and he'd take her opinion at face value. Because of how important she was to him. That was terrifying to him.]

[She hates that she has such physical reactions to things said to her. She hates how her hands shake at fear, how she can't bite back looks of pain and hurt, how words resonate so heavily with her SOUL she'll feel like she's vibrating apart. Like every one of her particles could be individually moved, pieced apart, put away, away, away into nothingness.

He speaks. She tries to listen. And... perhaps they have slightly more in common than he thought.]

H-Heh, well, you're not the only one to uh. Do that.

[It's a bad joke. Can't even really be classified as a joke, and she regrets it immediately, looking away for a moment just to silently punish herself before she meets his gaze again.]

Sorry, I... s-sorry. You can keep talking.

No, I'm...I'm sorry that I was not here in some capacity to stop you from being hurt or dying. I wish I was. I barely managed to protect you--or, ah. The you that had been on the ship with me.

For a little while...

[Mettaton knows he's likely upsetting Alphys. No matter what he does, he's going to upset her in some capacity though, so it's better for them both if he's truthful. Otherwise he's going to go to pieces himself, and he can't take this anymore...]

Mm...right, well. When I came back, I wasn't me anymore. It's silly, I suppose...to think that. I'll always be myself even if I look like that.

[He pauses.]

I was grateful for you, and for Ginko. If you hadn't found my body again, then I...

[No, he's not going to talk about that. Because when he talks about that, it presses the point home that he's just in a shell, and that things weren't the same, nor would they ever be, and if he thinks too long, he'll start to feel that empty, hollow sensation of floating in an abyss where he doesn't belong. He'll never belong.]

But I suppose I'm digressing from the point of this discussion, aren't I? The point being that I died exacting revenge for the deaths of almost every other monster on that ship. And...Frisk as well. I believe the only ones who managed to escape harm were you, Chara, and Asriel. So that...accounts for a small part of my problem.

[Problem being his elegant way of addressing his rise in LV.

Of course, the next bit of this tale is going to be a bit much, and so he takes a moment more to gather his courage.]

May we sit, darling?

[Because he sure as hell isn't going to want to stand discussing his visit to the Runoff and that godforsaken Outpost.]

[She wears at her lip a bit, not meaning to have brought her into it. Stupid. He's bearing his SOUL for you, sit back and listen.

So she does. She listens, tries not to look so worked up over it all. That was... revenge, blind revenge. It happens, she thinks. She's trying not to blame him for it.]

I mean, it was... t-they killed people close to you. It wasn't... unprompted.

[It's a feeble sort of response to a much, much bigger problem.]

Uh... h-here. Come on.

[She detaches from him a bit more, takes his hand, leading him through the dimly lit lab to her work desk, where hers-- and Marian's currently unoccupied- chairs sit, gesturing him towards the other while she settles into hers. She thinks, for a moment, and then scoots close enough that he can take her hands, should he want to.]

Is this better?

Mm...this is better, yes. Very much so.

[Mettaton takes a seat, and after a few momenets of hesitation, he does take one of her hands. It's amazing really. The sensation is both familiar and not. Hard to consider it familiar when you haven't seen your friend for at least half a year.

Sometimes, he feels bad...thinking that he'd had so much time to bond with Asriel throughout this, and that he was leaving Alphys out. But...that wasn't really it.

She just hadn't been there, and Mettaton was terrified of being alone, just as much as he was distressed at being a nameless face in the ever-shifting crowd. He had no audience anymore.

He didn't deserve one. Hell...he couldn't believe Alphys had tried to rationalize what he'd done prior.

She...wouldn't be able to do it this time. He was sure of it.]

So, ah. The rest. I should tell you.

...When I finally became resettled in my body, I didn't have much time to think before something went horribly wrong with the ship we were on. It transported a great many of us to a hostile environment, and I spent half a month...half a month enslaved.

[The word is forced out with much effort. The hand that wasn't gripping Alphys' raises to touch his neck. It's not there. He's talking about it but that doesn't make it his reality.

It's not there. That is important. But he just had to feel.]

I'm ashamed to say that I was easy pickings in my state. It would have been all too simple to incapacitate a battle-worn old robot like me.

[Suddenly...all the scrapes and dings, cracks and holes? They start to make sense.]

So they collared me, chained me, repaired me, displayed me, and then sold me.

To a man who made his lot in murdersport.

[He glances sideways at her, and the vulnerability in his expression is pathetic.]

Half a month, Alphys. Of course, I didn't want to do it, but the collar? It overrode my systems. I had to do it. Half a month. I can't even remember how many people I fought in half a month...but I won.

[He killed.]

I won every time. Hah...haha...

[Mettaton laughs, but the sound is punctuated by a jerking sob. Weak. Weak, it's what he is. He couldn't stop it, and he can't stop his anguish now. He just can't stop anything from happening, can he?]

[She listens, and realizes she can't hold on to any one statement without it hitting her too hard-- stolen. Taken. Forced. This isn't-- this isn't his fault, but it happened, and the consequences are unshakeable for their lot. For the way monsters take damage to their SOULs.

She sits, and thinks, and tries to rationalize, and comes up a number of different ways. But it still... it's him, but not.

She knows what it means to suffer the consequences.

Alphys puts her other hand over his, and gently squeezes.]

You... you w-were taken. And forced. It wasn't your fault.

[It's that simple, isn't it? It wasn't.]

You already said, it... it o-overrode you. You didn't want to.

[Intent is worth everything to a monster.]

I'm sorry I wasn't there. That I couldn't help you, and... and stop this, and...

You're still important to me, Metta. M-My best friend. I don't... want to lose you again, to anything. Especially not to this.

You're safe here, o-okay? I can't fight, and, I'm not strong, but... I won't let that happen, again. I promise.

[A promise she shouldn't be making, because she knows she can't keep.

But intent is worth everything to a monster, right?]

[Mettaton's fingers curl under hers, balling into a loose fist as if he's unworthy of such a familiar and comforting touch. He is, isn't he? He doesn't deserve Alphys' sympathy or her kind words telling him that it's okay, it's okay that he's not the same anymore. Now she knows.

And now he feels so disconnected from everything around him that he may as well be a little ghost in Waterfall that had nothing but a dream and a reluctant career. Someone who wanted to be somebody, but needed to be something before they could become someone.

Is he the kind of person he wants to be anymore? Is he...even here to know it? Or is this just some pipe dream?]

I'm easy to override like this, aren't I? By choosing to be "Mettaton," I'm choosing to be a murderer who can be written over and made to follow directives etched into my very being. Are you sure that you want to call me your friend?

[Her best friend, she even said that. Best friend...

Sure, he'd long felt the same way, but to have her articulate it made it feel a little bit more real than if he just thought it to himself.

Mettaton glances down at Alphys, his expression so tired and so forlorn that it's a miracle he could even pass as himself anymore.]

Are you sure that you want to designate time in your life to a murderer like me?

[It would be easy for her to think this is something different- that he is something different than the ghost she met back in Waterfall. How experience shapes them, how it finds them in the nooks and crannies of the universe, how it brings them together-- and apart-- and together again.

They share a bond she doesn't want to sever. Something she can't give up on.]

You're choosing to b-be yourself. To... to be here, with me, asking for forgiveness. People make... mistakes, Metta. They make choices and, and mess up, and... you get to prove to be a good person, over and over again. You make a lot of choices. Everybody d-does.

[She sucks in a breath, and looks at him, right in the eyes.]

You're still choosing to p-protect people. To care. And that proves you're trying to be better, and... I'm not perfect, either. I've hurt, and done t-terrible things, and...

We make the choices that lead us back. We decide who we are, and you're... trying, to be okay. So of course. Of c-course I do.

[The way she puts it, Mettaton actually feels a swell of something he'd quite forgotten in his own self-pity and hatred.

Pride for something he'd done. Because he is proud of the fact that he's protected others up to this point, and he'd never regret saving Napstablook from dying a painful human death. Maybe...it's better that he'd told Alphys, because as much as he wanted to keep it a secret forever...being told that he could be imperfect, and that as long as he tried, it mattered?

Something about those words almost made him want to cry.

Mettaton finally breaks down at that point, though it's not the most obvious and overly emotional expression of emotion. He's long since lost the energy for such at this point...]

Alphys...I would not wish to be anywhere else but here with you. I could spend the rest of my life telling you how deeply I missed you, and it still wouldn't be enough.

You...are such an excellent person to me, and I'm...I'm fortunate...because you gave me so much of your time and effort...

[He draws her close again, into a desperate hug. He wants to hold her, to know she's real and here and that he can stop hiding for one damned moment of his sad little life.]

I would never have been the real me without you.

[She lets him pull her in, presses herself into his arms as much as she can, her SOUL thrumming close to his.

She missed him. She missed him so much. In whatever experiences he's had, in whatever form he takes.]

You don't n-need to miss me anymore. I'm here, and... I won't go. You don't have to, either.

[She... doesn't want to tell him about her problems, here and now. Doesn't want to tell him that despite what he remembers, there's no going home for her. When he goes back, he'll be on the surface, happy and whole, with a version of her that did not make those fatal errors. With a human who was just a little bit more kind.

But that's not her world. And it shouldn't be his. So she keeps her mouth shut.]

You've always been the most important person to me. And I want to be b-better to you, than I was. Okay?

[This closeness, this proximity that he felt they'd never truly had--or perhaps, he'd just taken it so much for granted--is like a balm on every invisible sore that Mettaton carries with him. All of the things he's experienced are damn near tolerable with Alphys here.

God, he could never thank her enough.]

Thank you...thank you so much, sweetheart....

[He wants to assure her that she could never be better to him than she's being right now, and than she's ever been. It's really a pity that she won't tell him what's on her mind, because even that he could assuage her in.

He's seen enough Alphyses to know that he loves them all dearly. Every single one.

Which is why he holds onto her, and this moment, for just a little longer than he should, silently taking in all the good which he hasn't allowed himself, and for a moment, the heaviness that had settled in his SOUL lifts, just a bit. And he can breathe...]

[Alphys smiles, just a little, into the embrace, even though she knows he can't see it.]

Of course. I've... I've g-got you. You don't have to be alone because, uhm, I'm here. I promise.

[She's going to try to keep to this one. No more fooling around, no more favors against dangerous humans. She'll keep him safe, now. She'll find a way.]

« [IC Inbox- Hadriel]

no subject

no subject

no subject

idk why but your icon is REALLY CUTE TO ME

its bc alphys is adorable all the time forever

tru

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

all of my tags come with lateness disclaimers it seems

it's Okay i will backtag u forever

every time lmao. it is me.

ur doin ur best fam